"It's gunna be a fun night tonight, you ready for it?" I said when I was putting my earring on, "Girl of course." Sara said while fixing her hair. Then all of a sudden we heard a big "BOOOOOM !" and all the lights went out in the whole house. I dropped the backing of my earring from shaking like there was a earthquake happening. There was this weird tense feeling going through my body. "What just happened?" I asked Sara with a frightened voice like someone scared the heck out of me. Then all of a sudden the door behind them slap shut like someone pushed it with all the strength. I started to cry, "Whats happening Sara?" I said sobbing with tears coming down my face. "I have no idea." Sara said with a scared voice. They wait a minute, sloshed on the floor hovering over each other and holding each other, too see if they hear anything else.
Ten minutes went by and they heard nothing else. "I dropped the backing of my earring. Can you help me find it?" I said trying to be calm. "Yeah, come on" Sara said whispering. They both went to the floor slowly and Sara bumped her head hard on a corner of the counter. " Sara are you okay!?" I asked nervous and frightened, tapping on her shoulder. "Come on Sara you have to get up. PLEASE!" Then in the closet I heard a soft voice say " Whats going on?" I jumped and hit my head on the counter. A throbbing pain started going through my head and I was seeing stuff moving very fast and I started getting dizzy. "Liz, are you okay" the same voice came from closet but in a more worried voice. "Bump, bump, bump" I heard these thumps getting closer and closer. Then i felt a tap on my shoulder so I opened my eyes, "Sara is that you?" I asked. "Yes" she responded. " I thought you hit your head on the table and was laying on the floor?" I asked. "No , that wasn't me" I was crawling everywhere feeling extreme pain that went up my legs looking for your backing" Sara said. "Then whats on the floor?" I said circuitously. We started feeling on the floor and we started feeling the thing that was on the floor. It feels rough like dry skin or something. "What is it?" Sara asked " I have no idea" I said back in a nervous voice while crawling away from it.
We were so scared that we forgot all about where we were suppose to go that night. But we were traumatized, like all the hairs on the back of our necks were standing up and having a tense and scared feeling in our stomach and throughout our bodies. It was a feeling I only felt when I was scared when I get caught doing something I'm not suppose to be doing.
In the beginning of this story, the details are mostly centered around the ACTION that happens, and not the sensory imagery. Example:
ReplyDelete"Then all of a sudden the door behind them slap shut like someone pushed it with all the strength. I started to cry, "Whats happening Sara?" I said sobbing with tears coming down my face."
This shows, in detail, WHAT HAPPENED, but not what it felt/looked/tasted/sounded like. So that's detailed description of the story's ACTION.
Later, your sensory detail gets kicked up a notch and we get this:
"We started feeling on the floor and we started feeling the thing that was on the floor. It feels rough like dry skin or something. [...] But we were traumatized, like all the hairs on the back of our necks were standing up and having a tense and scared feeling in our stomach and throughout our bodies."
Now THIS is sensory detail. Here you're not describing what happened, but WHAT IT FELT LIKE. That's what we're looking for. See the difference?